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Pujols has elbow surgery

Cardinals first baseman and MVP candidate Albert Pujols had surgery on his troublesome right elbow Monday, the team announced late this afternoon.

Pujols has elbow surgery

NASCAR Notebook: Futures of Petty, Ganassi in limbo

Trying to pin down the state of Petty Enterprises, under its new Boston Ventures' management, and the future of the Chip Ganassi operation, has been tough enough the past few weeks, but now the speculation of a ...

NASCAR Notebook: Futures of Petty, Ganassi in limbo

Man allegedly goes for wild ride on stolen combine (AP)

AP - A Minnesota man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a combine and taking it for drunken ride through several yards and crashing into a garage. The man was charged with first offense operating while intoxicated, third-degree burglary, third-degree theft and criminal mischief as a Class C felony.

Man allegedly goes for wild ride on stolen combine (AP)

Man Offered Marijuana for McDonald's Meal

A McDonald's cashier called 911 after a Vero Beach drive-thru customer allegedly offered to pay for his meal with marijuana.

Man Offered Marijuana for McDonald's Meal

Singer Sheryl Crow starts clothing line

Grammy-winning singer Sheryl Crow, who says she's always been a girl who likes to wear jeans, has launched a new casual clothing line.

Singer Sheryl Crow starts clothing line

Drug Task force holds 'round-up'

Thirteen area individuals were recently arrested following a "round-up" conducted by the Bootheel Drug Task Force with help from the Pemiscot County Sheriff's Department, Caruthersville and Hayti Police ...

Drug Task force holds 'round-up'

Bootheel DTF Rounds Up Drug Suspects This Morning

The Bootheel Drug Task Force, FBI and three local law enforcement agencies spent today's early morning hours "rounding up" several suspected drug traffickers in southeast Missouri.

Bootheel DTF Rounds Up Drug Suspects This Morning

Haulers Insurance

What's up with Wayne Keller. Haulers Insurance says his agency no longer meets the guidelines for being an agent for them.

Largest Crack Bust in One Heartland Town's History

Poplar Bluff Police made the largest crack cocaine bust in the town's history Friday.

Largest Crack Bust in One Heartland Town's History

Farmer charged with dumping waste

A federal grand jury has indicted a Pemiscot County farmer, accusing him of dumping byproducts from biodiesel production on his farm and killing a significant amount of fish and other aquatic life, according to ...

Farmer charged with dumping waste

A Very Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son, Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Then And Now

SCHOOL -1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school

parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to

his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to

jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for

traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end

up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the

Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class

again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested

for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a

disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad

gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to

college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to

foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister

that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear

nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for

graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state

school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core

curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a

living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,

puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with

domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from

home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list

and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his

knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to

comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Stressed Out

Stressed out Woman Thanks Larry

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a

busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front

of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even

though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating

through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and

honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her

chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell

phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard

a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very

serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car

with her hands up. He took her to the police station where

she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed

in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman

approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted

back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was

waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for

this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you

were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and

cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would

Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate

holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper Sticker,

And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

TIRED

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's

office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.

They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.

" "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging

through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some

new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and

your troubles will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll

try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde

returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good.

I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could

be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest

pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde

wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when

I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Bullfrog

Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

Pre Marriage Confession

Pre-marriage Confession (Thanks Larry)

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky." Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long

CIRCUMCISED

CIRCUMCISED

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Maria and her many children

Maria and her many children

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn't use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria's time also came. At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together." A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?" Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

WhiteHouse Breakfast

Breakfast at the Whitehouse

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the

White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would

like, and he replies,

.."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark

wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!

You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in

your second term of office for a year!" As the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........

"It's pronounced 'quiche'.

Cover Your Ass

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this

page, or pass this along to someone else to

spread the fun.