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A Very Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son, Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Then And Now

SCHOOL -1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school

parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to

his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to

jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for

traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end

up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the

Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class

again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested

for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a

disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad

gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to

college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to

foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister

that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear

nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for

graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state

school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core

curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a

living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,

puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with

domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from

home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list

and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his

knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to

comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Stressed Out

Stressed out Woman Thanks Larry

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a

busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front

of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even

though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating

through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and

honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her

chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell

phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard

a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very

serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car

with her hands up. He took her to the police station where

she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed

in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman

approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted

back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was

waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for

this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you

were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and

cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would

Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate

holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper Sticker,

And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

TIRED

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's

office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.

They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.

" "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging

through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some

new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and

your troubles will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll

try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde

returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good.

I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could

be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest

pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde

wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when

I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Bullfrog

Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

Pre Marriage Confession

Pre-marriage Confession (Thanks Larry)

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky." Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long

CIRCUMCISED

CIRCUMCISED

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Maria and her many children

Maria and her many children

As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn't use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria's time also came. At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together." A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?" Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

WhiteHouse Breakfast

Breakfast at the Whitehouse

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the

White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would

like, and he replies,

.."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark

wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!

You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in

your second term of office for a year!" As the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........

"It's pronounced 'quiche'.

Cover Your Ass

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this

page, or pass this along to someone else to

spread the fun.

compliment

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly.

Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

Have a good day!

Train Ride

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in

thelower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into

the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend

that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable

Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of

squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."

"How in the hell did it happen?"

"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp.

There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could

grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, "No sh*t!"

Warning for Grandpas

DO NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied ,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts."

WalMart Greeter

WalMart greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Have a good day

Well it has been proven. CBS and MSNBC are lame assed cowards, who crumbled to the extortion placed on them by the alleged mr. perfects of the world. Shame on you CBS and MSNBC. I will no longer support the two media outlets.

Sheer Lingerie

Sheer Lingerie

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Arkansas to

purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several

possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer,

the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the

$500 and take the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and

asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs,

the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well

be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it

tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears

naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,

"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Welfare

A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."

"Through years of experience, I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt." -- Jack Nicklaus

Blonde Robbers

Blonde Robbers

The Blonde Bank Robbers Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.

The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they

headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front

of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you

SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and

heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second

blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous. Finally,

out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind

her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants

down. "No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

PERSONAL ADS FROM WOMEN

Personal Ads From Women

40ish... 48

Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic... Flat-chested

Average-looking... Ugly

Beautiful... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin

Educated... College dropout

Emotionally Secure... Medicated

Feminist... Fat; ball-buster

Free Spirit... Substance user

Friendship First... Trying to live down reputation as a sl*t

Fun... Annoying

New-Age... All body hair, all the time

Old-Fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only

Open-Minded... Desperate

Outgoing... Loud

Passionate... Loud

Poet... Depressive schizophrenic

Professional... Real witch

Redhead... Shops the Clairol section

Rubenesque... Grossly fat

Romantic.... Looks better by candlelight

Voluptuous... Very fat

Weight Proportional To Height... Extremely fat

Wants Soul Mate... One step away from stalking

Widow... Nagged first husband to death

Young At Heart... Toothless geezer